AI

 For the things i naver done. I Love You.

Silly Me

Belakangan ini ada yang bikin aku dag dig dug. Rasanya banyak bunga yang bermekaran di hati. Bikin dada ini mau petjah. 

One night, after we made love, i grabbed his arm, and held his hand against my chest. His warmth spread throughout my body. My heart fluttered. My eyes felt as though they might burst into tears. That's how happy i was. 

Then i remembered, i've done this before. Once when i woke up in the middle of the night, i saw my husband's face. He slept like a baby. Then suddenly i felt this urge to touch him. So I grabbed his arm. Held his hand,just to feel the warmth of his hand. I love him. 

Then i remembered, long time ago. I'd felt this feeling too. Once when we rode his bike, he grabbed my hand and held it on his belly. Our thumbs played with each other along the ride. 

Silly me. All these years. I have never had the courage to do the things i longed to do with him. Even the simple things. Those thoughts just fly in my head, barely turning into reality. Such a coward.

Lalu ada lagi yang bikin dag dig dug. 

Our new routine before he leave to work. The goodbye kiss. Whenever noone see though. 

And today, we had our goodbye. I kissed his right cheek, then his left. Then he gestured for a final kiss. But i didn't. Because the kids were there. Then suddenly this guilty feeling haunted me for the rest of the day. Why didn't i kiss him back? I could have kissed him when we walked through the door. Or when he was putting his shoes on. But i didn't.

Silly me. Again, missed the chance of doing what felt right.

Que sera, sera

It's been two weeks.

I'm okay, but it seems like it takes time for me to give you my full trust.

Selalu terlintas kenangan saat dengan ringannya dia menyembunyikan kenyataan, dengan perkataan-perkataan yang terdengar sangat menjanjikan. 

I'm not mad at you. But i'm still wondering, whether or not this will continue to happen. Or maybe even worse?

Bahkan otak ini mulai memberikan gambaran sekenario terburuk yang bisa saja terjadi. Yang berakhir pada kesimpulan, semua adalah milik Allah dan tak seharusnya kita menggantungkan harapan pada manusia.

Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be.  

Sejauh mana kita menginginkan sesuatu, jika memang tidak ditakdirkan maka tak akan terjadi. Sebaliknya, sejauh mana kita berharap sesuatu tidak terjadi, jika itu telah menjadi ketetapan-Nya maka kita hanya bisa menerimanya.  

So i'll just have to embrace all the happiness and the pain that will come through me.  

Waktu lah yang mendewasakanku. Dan waktu pulalah yang akan mengembalikan kepercayaanku padamu. 

Kuharap kita selalu dalam bimbingan dan lindungan-Nya. Aamiin..

BTW, just realize, i wrote a similar post about "trust" 20 years ago here.